I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Found the puke drawer
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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