i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
