anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
