I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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