you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
