Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize