I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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