we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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