Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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