when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Randomize
