I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Barsexuality is the new black.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
