Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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