wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
