I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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