I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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