I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
