So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You pole danced in your parka.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
