Pants 0. Shit 1.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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