I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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