how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
