you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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