maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
