everyone is single if you try hard enough
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Randomize
