I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize