i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
