i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
