i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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