there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
