I cannot find my penis.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
