to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
