he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
