I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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