he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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