I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
