Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
