I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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