"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
