Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
