When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
then he tried to convert me to islam
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
me + whiskey = a bad person
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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