in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
