My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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