There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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