So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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