sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
im holly from the hills drunk
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
