he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
