If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
