I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
