Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
