that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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