I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
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