I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he was CRYING into my vagina
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
