someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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