love makes seman taste better
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
